Baby, it's cold outside

I know I live in the arctic tundra, but it has gotten really cold here. The wind is biting, too. The house feels chilly, even with the heat on, so I am snuggled in my winter housecoat and under a blanket. I realize it is almost December, but I am already tired of the cold.

I have also been feeling quite lazy lately. Been playing on Pogo a fair bit; it is a great time-waster. (No, this is not an ad) What can I say? Listening to tunes through the computer while playing video games is a sure way I can relax.

I think I am going to go and get a cup of tea, and snuggle up in front of the t.v. Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) I just like to have a bit of R n' R.

Feeling snarky...

I was thinking of doing a post about gratitude. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed and have much to be grateful for. But there is a teeny little voice inside me saying: "I don't wanna be grateful! I wanna go shopping!" Ah, shopping. I used to love going shopping. Finding a cool *whatever* at a great price. Stopping for a snack. Just plain wandering around window-shopping. The last year has been quite tight since I have "been sick" and not working. My hubby has picked up the slack by working even harder.

I just get frustrated. I am tired. In some ways, I want the life I had "before" (to some extent). I know I am getting better. I am trying to get healthier. I am grateful just to have this chance.

The last hump-day of NaBloPoMo

Today is the last hump-day of NaBloPoMo. And for the first time for the whole month, I really don't have much to say. Went grocery shopping. Went to the dentist for a checkup. Made a pot roast and roast potatoes. Had a nap. Good Lord, do I ever live the high life!

I guess I just feel quiet and reflective and non-talkie. Hopefully, I will make a strong comeback and post some slightly more interesting things in the next few days!

Combining art and crochet

I did a bit of "brainstorming" on the weekend. Using the concept of crocheting on paper, I came up with this:



It is little, only 3"x4". Totally random and an exercise in layering colour and texture.

Thinking deeply

The past month or so has been kind of different. I feel like I am waking up after being asleep my whole life. Being asleep was not restful; it was that terror of feeling like you are falling punctuated by complete numbness. Even enjoyable things like holidays were terror-inducing. My inner world was one of constant self-doubt, self-hatred and unachievable perfectionism. I was the greatest actress; very few knew of my inner turmoil.

The last 18 months has been one of absolute exhaustion. The terror drained every bit of energy from me and I could do no more. I rested and slept. Just recently, I have realized I am not quite so exhausted. I have, for the first time, hope.

Doubt

Do you ever just wake up and be filled with doubt? Sometimes I think that all the "great ideas" that come to me while deep in thought are really just stupid. And maybe I am not really creative or talented. That maybe I am destined to live my life as a lump in front of the t.v., never to be productive or filled with energy. That the doubt is paralyzing me making me afraid to take a risk. I know I am rambling, but sometimes I just have to dump the crap in my brain somewhere, so that maybe there can be space for more positive thoughts.

Trying to find perspective...

I remember watching a program on t.v. about Lucian Freud, painter and grandson of Freud (yes THAT Freud). I love to see how "artists" work: their environment, their techniques, their passion. (I must qualify "artists". I feel anyone who is creative in anyway is an artist. Unfortunately, somehow I leave myself out of that label. I feel for Me to be an artist, I must slave diligently day after day on Art ie. painting or sculpture. Nevermind that I do many creative things; somehow I am never "good enough" or "dedicated enough" to be qualified as an "artist") (Ok, that had way too many quotation marks!). He painted Queen Elizabeth II, and I remember the uproar it caused.

I remember watching him paint these huge realistc portraitures that took literally a whole year to complete. It seemed to me that that was how I saw how *I* *should* be as an artist. But taking a whole year to paint a picture? I have never done anything everyday for a year (except breathe, eat, and do other basic functions). I am seriously impressed that I have posted every day in November, and I certainly would not call all my posts "deep" or "thought provoking" or even "interesting" (hello, post of this last Wednesday). I often get caught up in the *shoulds*, or *not enoughs* and get paralyzed. There is no way, I think to myself, that I can paint every day for a year (for years). And so I don't. Because in my brain, if I am not meeting some impossible standard for myself, then I just won't do it. And I am missing out. I love to create. I want to create. I just have to figure out how to be gentle enough with myself to be allowed to be an "artist".

A scarf for ME!

What can I say? It is a scarf. It is for me. So there.

Thursday is cold

Well, I guess winter is here. Winter is pretty, but I am not much for the cold. The snow from last week melted, but we got a little more of a dusting last night. Ice had made some beautiful patterns on our fence and gate, so of course I had to take some pics!





The snow stayed, but the ice melted in the sun...

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A Happy Thanksgiving to our neighbors to the south...

Highbrow Humpday

Yup, having a highbrow kind of evening. Dinner is mac n' cheese (with extra cheese slices melted in) and manwich. Watching "Cops" on t.v. Dessert will be peaches and mandarin oranges out of a can. Yup. We're living the high life!

Random Think-age

A while ago, there was a big discussion about patterns and how to acquire them (buying them, photocopying from the library...) The library! Had totally forgotten about the library! So off I went, to see what I could find. A surprising number of books were out, but I found a couple titles that looked promising. I found one called The Crocheter's Art; New Dimensions in Free-Form Crochet by Del Pitt Feldman. Sounds perfect! So I went to get it, and found out it was written in 1972! (Nothing new under the sun, eh?) Definitely inspiring! She goes through how to make some basic flat and 3D forms, as well as incorporating different items in your crochet art. One idea that really piqued my interest was sewing a simple line of stitching on leather, and then using that as your base chain and crocheting right into that. This spurred an idea on in my head: incorporating crochet in my abstract art by crocheting right onto the canvas! The possibilities are endless... happy sigh

Homemade Snow

Ok, so they are not really snow, but snowflakes. I crocheted them out of #10 crochet cotton and a 1.5mm hook. The penny is almost 2cm in diameter.



After doing these two little guys, I am getting more used to working on such a small scale. Thanks go out to my hubby, who bought me a lighted magnifying glass so I could work on them. Hopefully, there will be more to come!

Whew! Made it!

After crocheting for a total of 20 hours in a consecutive 50 hour period, I finished the two scarves!

The first is a scarf made out of Bernat Bamboo in Corn. It is a lovely creamy colour. It is very soft and smooth; it has almost a "cool" feeling to it. It was super fast to crochet: non-splitty, easy to work with, and nice to the touch. It has a good weight and drape to it. Done in dc, with a sc edging. About 5" x 64". This is for my SIL.



The next scarf is made out of Bernat Harmony in Black. It is acrylic, because I think my brother is allergic to wool. Sc with a sc edging. This yarn was a bit splitty to work with. I found it a bit hard to see the stitches as I was working, but that is not a fault of the yarn. Simple and classic. About 9" x 49". For my brother.



I included the care instructions from the ball-band with each scarf. I hope they like them!

No time to talk...

Must crochet, crochet, crochet! WAAAAAAAAAA! Will post pics of fo's when I can, hopefully tomorrow.

Look what I woke up to today...

Snow!



It's not too cold, so I am sure it will melt soon. Still, it is kind of pretty!

Danger, Will Rogers, Danger!

WAAAAAAAAA! I am having to crochet some emergency Christmas gifts by, umm, SUNDAY! I am in super-crocheter mode. I am making a couple of scarves. The first one is in Bernat Bamboo in Corn. Mmmmmm, is it ever lovely! I think it will turn out beautiful. Have not yet started the other one. Must go back to crocheting!

Wordless Wednesday

Me and my hubby

My loving hubby took the week off! It is a nice surprise. My poor hubby certainly needs the break, as he has been working a ton of overtime since I have been off work. We have nothing planned except my regular appointments, so it will be nice just to be together. I love you honey!

I'm making...

Snowflakes! With thread and a hooked piece of metal! I am learning patience and delayed gratification. Progress is slow, but I have already made one, and now I am on my second. Pics to come soon!

Relaxing Sunday

Today has been a simple, quiet day. Had a lovely restful nap. Ate home-made chili. Watched Cops on tv. And the rest of the evening will not be much different. A little crocheting. Some more tv. I truly am a wild and crazy guy!

My career in review

WARNING: Seriously icky/gross medical stuff to follow. Don't say I didn't warn you!

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I had said earlier this week that I am resigning from the College of Nurses here. Even though the pay was great, I was never meant to be a nurse: I truly hated it. I was also burnt out. The burnt out/hating it just finally did me in after 13 years. Lately, as this part of my life comes to an end, I have been thinking a lot about all the things I did/accomplished while being a burn/plastic surgery nurse.

I have taken care of so many people: women, men, babies, children, teens, adults and the elderly. I have seen wonderful results from surgeries. I have seen horrendous results of surgery. I have peeled blistered skin away from burn victims more often than I can say. I have done dressing changes that have taken literally hours. I have caused pain, because I knew "it" (whatever "it" was) had to be done, and the patient would get better. I have been thrown up on, peed on, pooed on, "horked" on, bled on, and have had various other body fluids on me. I have been yelled at, insulted, and ignored. I have laughed and cried with patients and staff. I have put tubes in body orifices. I have seen babies being born, and seen people die. I have yelled at doctors when they wouldn't listen to me. Doctors have told me that I did a great job. I have eaten my lunch while discussing icky wounds, burn dressings, and poop. I have taken care of patients with AIDS, Hep C, C. diff, MRSA, VRE. I have taken care of patients with flame (or anything hot, like ashphalt or concrete or oil) burns, scalds, electrocution, chemical burns. I have seen every part of the body burned, including eyeballs. I have given more medication than I can count, including narcotics. I have taken out more staples and sutures than I can count. I know what Pseudomonas aeruginosa smells like. I know what cancer smells like. I have taken care of patients with bed sores so large you could fit your hand in them and touch bone. I have seen patients with breast reductions, with implants, with tummy tucks, with face lifts. I have seen what happens when someone tries to commit suicide with a gun. I have seen the results of abuse. I have treated drug addicts who, when trying to shoot up, missed a vein. I have been kicked at and punched. I have had water fights with the nurses and patients with 60cc syringes in the hallway. I have shifts from "hell" and I have had very quiet shifts. I have gotten to know my co-workers and their families. Over the years, I have worked every holiday. I have brought turkey dinner in on Christmas Day when I was working. I have sung with patients while they were in the tub (Tom Jones on the CD player in the tub room was always a favourite). I have seen so many burn victims "walk out" of the hospital, and I know in my heart that I did my best to make them better, and they WERE better.

The people I have taken care of have all been so different. The great majority were kind, wonderful, understanding and reasonable people. Under difficult and trying conditions, they were true "troopers". Yes, there were a few people who got under my skin (both patients and staff). But they were a tiny minority. Generally, my patients left in better condition than when they came in. Unfortunately, I cannot remember them all, but a few will always have a place in my heart.

The staff? Well, I cannot say enough good things about them. Dedicated. Caring. Reliable. Honest. Hard-working. Caring. Detail-oriented. Caring. Oh yes, did I say caring? They cared not only about the patients but about their co-workers too. Birthdays were always remembered (both patients and staff!) They worried about Nurse Sally's ailing grandmother or Nurse Jill's son. They worried about you. As bad as the work sometimes was, someone "had your back" and you could depend on them at crunch time. Everyone worked extra shifts or overtime if they had to. I don't think I will ever find better people anywhere.

There is so much more I could say; like the hours of worry at home about a patient's condition, the worry about "did I do good enough?", or "did I forget something important?" But now, I never have to worry anymore. I can take a deep breath and say: "It is done. I don't ever have to do it again." I can finally, finally, take care of myself. I now need to be a nurse to myself.

Today, Anne feels...

crappy. So the post I was going to write today will be posted another day. Stay tuned!

Just some fun...

A couple of websites, found through The Happiness Project...

Visuwords

Passive-Aggressive Notes

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday roundup...

So, I watched the Star Wars movies last night. They were as entertaining and engaging as ever. I loved the one-liners that were peppered through-out. The one thing I hated was how they "updated" them: edited music and some of the characters (wtf?, I mean, it is like colourizing black and white movies! stupid idiots.) It was a nice evening anyway, I must say.

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I had mentioned that I made a little blanket out of the minky materials I got last week. Here it is:



I told you it was small! It is kind of a "security blanket" for me. Works too!

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I filled out my resignation from the College of Nurses today. I am ready for this. Finally, I can give a sigh of relief. Nursing is "over" now for me. Yay!

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Found this video through blog wandering. It's jaw-dropping over-the-top! BONUS POINTS: Can you identify the original singer of the song? Took me a minute or so...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Tonight on tv are all three of the "original" Star Wars. Flashback time...

Zoom back to 1977. A time of white leisure suits and bell bottoms. I was just a kid. No DVD's, VCR's, home computers or digital imaging. Movies were A Big Deal. When Star Wars came out, it blew everyone's mind. I had quite the crush on Mark Hamill, though I know a few of my friends had a thing for Harrison Ford (ahhhh, now I understand!). The time between movies seemed like an eternity. Definitely the LoTR of its time.

Now, I can watch them through the eyes of an adult. Catch the subtleties. So, I am off for evening of good movies. Let's see if they can stand the test of time.

Lovely Autumn

Autumn has been lovely here. The colours of the trees have been vibrant; gorgeous reds, oranges and yellows. Even though it is November, quite a few trees still have their leaves. The following pic is of a neighbor's tree.

Product Review- Italpasta Pasta (NOT paid review!!!!!!)

I have to reiterate, this IS NOT A PAID REVIEW!! When I find a good/cool/funky product, I have to spread the word!

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A while ago, my best friend Sindy and I were talking on the phone. She kept raving about this pasta (dry) named Italpasta. I kept thinking: "Pasta is pasta. What's the big deal?" I know I should listen to Sindy, because she and I like the same things, but still, it's frigging pasta, if you know what I mean.

In my house, pasta usually is spaghetti (or some other long, skinny pasta if I am cooking for both hubby and I as he prefers the long stuff)or macaroni (what I cook for myself if I am eating alone). It comes dry, in a bag, for cheapcheapcheap. I usually bought a brand name pasta like Unico, because that is what I grew up on. Generally I heat up Prego spaghetti sauce with green peppers and mushrooms (and sometimes add cooked ground beef or meatballs) and toss it on the pasta. If I am feeling really fancy, I might dig out the Parmesan and add a dusting of that. Pasta is not "a big deal" in our house. It's cheap, easy, and fills a hole. I love to cook, but to me, it is not worth it to make pasta as I would much prefer a steak or a roast.

So when I ran out of dry pasta, I thought I would try Italpasta. It is a bit more expensive per bag (about 30-50 cents). But what a difference! It had taste and texture and flavour!

Taste: Before, I had never really thought about how my pasta tasted; it was just a "delivery system" for the sauce. The taste difference between it and "regular" dry pasta is kind of like the difference between Wonder bread and artisan bread. Same ingredients, but totally different experience. It has a kind of bold "wheaty" taste. Do make sure you salt your pasta water, as this boosts the flavour.

Texture: Even al dente, my old pasta was kind of limp and mushy, but I could not cook it any less as then it would be crunchy. Not exactly what I was looking for. Italpasta is truly al dente. Firm to the tooth without sogginess. The texture was actually surprising (in a good way) to me. The old pasta I found I had to cook about 2 minutes less than the package suggested to get al dente. For Italpasta, I have to cook it about 2 minutes more than suggested. YMMV.

No surprise that I strongly suggest Italpasta.

Pros: Flavour! Taste! Texture!
Cons: Slightly more expensive. Takes a bit longer to cook. Well worth the effort.

So, unless you make your own pasta or live in Italy, skip the Starbucks once every couple of months and treat yourself. You'll be glad you did!

Pinky Minky

I got these pink minky materials earlier this week. They are soooo soft! Just like butter. I made a very small blanket out of some of it. Will post pics later.

This next pic is the last of a gorgeous sunset yesterday. It is so hard to believe it is already November! I love the way the sun is hitting the clouds...

NaBloPoMo

So, last night, I was wandering around Ravelry, when I saw a post about NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). I went off to their website to have a look around. Looks cool, methinks. Maybe I could post everyday for a month on my blog! On the spot, I decided to do it. (Also, note the badge in the sidebar. It's clickable!)
Now, in the light of the morning, I am thinking: "What the hell? It's hard enough for me to do the stuff I need to do everyday, never mind something totally voluntary!" Ok, time to slow down and think this out. Nobody is saying I have to write a novel everyday. Hell, I am on the computer every single day, checking email, reading blogs, and generally wandering around. How hard will it be to write a few lines on my blog? Ummm, not too hard. I know I can blog (see, I'm doing it right now!), now is the time to try something a little different.
So, what do I want to "accomplish" by the end of the month? I know it won't be world domination, huge social commentaries, or deep and exposing personal assessments. Maybe I will try something new, like post a book review. Maybe I will learn something about myself, like when do I prefer to post (morning? evening?). And ya know what? Even if I don't "learn" anything new, well, I will have posted every day for a month, and that is good enough for me!