I'm sick

I have a really bad cold. Really bad; the kind that makes your voice all gravelly and your sinuses stuffy and your throat feel like razor-blades. So I have been taking it easy. Listening to my needs. Sleeping. Drinking lots of hot lemon and honey. Taking advil when I feel sore. I have been wanting to work on my dolls, but I am just taking the time to feel better. I figure I will do what my therapist is always saying: "The slower you go, the faster you go". And so, I am going slow. (And listening to old 1980's "American Top 40"s with Casey Kasem on channel 8 on xm radio. Blasts from the past!)

The doll making continues...

Doll making is so much fun! Here is my next doll:





Colours are a bit washed out. I really like her; she is a bit organically shaped.

Colour

"For me, the color play involved satisfies the latent painter within." Ladylinoleum from monster crochet.

Ladylinoleum was talking about her experiences dyeing yarn on her blog when I read the above quote. Yes! I thought. My dreams have always been that I would be a Painter (yup, with a capital "p"). However, I recently began to think differently. Although I love the end process, I am a messy painter. I paint with acrylics, so they are not so bad to clean, but the brushes still have to be cleaned before going to relax. I am not so much into the "messy" part of painting. I have been starting to make art dolls, and I can stand that mess much easier. Nothing stains, I can leave an unfinished doll right where it sits with no "clean up". I get to play with glorious colours, just as I would if I were painting. So, for right now, doll making "satisfies my latent painter within"!

Just some more fun...

My days can be quite long and boring and lonely. Since 2008 is the year of me, I thought I would start doing the things I really enjoy. Like doll-making.

The following doll I made over the last couple of weeks; a few minutes here and there. Fabric is Amy Butler. Has hand-applied glass and silver beads and silver plated chain. Hair is wool and (I think) angelina. Filling is rice (yup!) to weight her down and fiberfill. Hand embroidered face.




She is not huge; body and head are about 7" together. I like her! There will be more dolls to come...

Thinking, thinking.

After my last post, I have been doing a lot of thinking. About the past and it not being my fault, not being my choice. And then it came to me. It is NOT MY FAULT. No. Really.

It.
Is.
Not.
My.
Fault.

It is like something deep inside has shifted. It is like I am looking at my whole situation from a different perspective. And it deeply resonates within me. I can now recognize how every destructive act I do to myself is to override the unbearable pain of the past.

I get it.

It is not my fault.

Life is not fair.

Sigh. I know. Whoever said life was fair?

But, I reply. I think of myself as a "good" person. I pay my taxes. I try not to hurt anyone. I care about my family and friends. I go to the doctor for checkups. I drink my water.

I also know I am not Mother Theresa. I eat too many treats. I am overweight. I don't exercise. I indulge in long showers when there are people in the world who don't have clean water to drink.

I just think that even though I am not perfect, I am not so bad. Right now, I just am frustrated that I have to deal with shit that isn't even my fault. Why me? I have PTSD and depression and anxiety because I am trying to cope with past events that I did not choose. I resent having to choose to do either "this" or "that" when I want to do "this" AND "that" because my body is in pain and is rebelling and wants to rest. So, yeah, it's not fucking fair. And I am pissed.

Spicy! and some more stuff came in the mail...

Lately, I have been in the mood for spicy food. I recently picked up some frozen President's Choice spicy chicken strips. They are good, and have a bit of a kick. They are most awesome in a wrap with Miracle Whip (or ranch dressing) with some lettuce.



However, I was not expecting my cup-a-soup to be spicy today. We were at the grocery store yesterday, and I saw these shrimp soup bowls from Korea. Huh, thought I, I like shrimp. I should have realized something was up when there were loads of these soup bowls left on the shelf, but not much left in their other flavours. Being the adventurous sort, I figured: "How bad could they be for $1.19?" So today for lunch I tried the soup.





Note that there is not one word about "spicy" or "hot" on the container except the red colour, both outside and once you pour the hot water on the soup packet. It just was a shock when I was not expecting it! It was actually quite good, with little shrimp and mysterious soft square things at the bottom of the soup. As for the heat, it made my nose run, but it didn't burn soooo badly. Much spicier than the PC chicken strips!

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I have been getting more stuff in the mail. Yay me!

These wool batts I received in the mail today from CherylAvenue on etsy. So lovely and soft and just a bit sparkly.



The next three items I received on Friday from LarkSpur Funny Farm on etsy. The first are tussah silk cocoons in a natural golden colour. No immediate plan for these yet.



Next is some honey coloured tussah silk roving. Soft and pretty!



Lastly is some beautiful coloured mixed roving with a bit of red sparkle. Wonderful!

Creativity

I have always had an artistic bent. Unfortunately, as a kid I was taught that being creative was ok, but it wasn't "practical". I was taught that you couldn't get a job with an art degree; you had to get a degree in something "practical" so at the end you would have a career. Somehow, along the way, I figured I would be a doctor. That's pretty practical. I did not mind the "icky" stuff, so that is what I decided my career would be. During high school, I took loads of science and math courses so I could get into med school. When I was going into grade 13, I realized that I did not have the drive to be a doctor. Uh oh, now what? What can I do with all these science courses? I have a couple of aunts who were nurses, so I thought: "I can be a nurse!" I got into nursing at the University of Western Ontario, where one of my aunts said they had a good nursing school.

I remember in my first year of nursing school that one of the other nursing students left the program to go into Math. Math? What can you do with a math degree, I thought. (I lost track of her and hope she is enjoying her life with math!) I still, obviously, was quite stuck in the "practical" mindset. Creativity and art were far off thoughts. Looking back, I hated nursing even in school, but I was also taught "You finish what you start", so I felt I had to finish nursing school. I got my degree and worked on the Burn Unit for almost 14 years. Yup, I still hated it. But, I had bills to pay and I was paid well and I was also pretty good at it (and I still liked the "icky" stuff).

In 2006, I had what you could call a "nervous breakdown". It wasn't pretty. I took time off work, hoping to get better enough to go back. Hubby knew I hated my job, so after much discussion, I decided to quit. Freedom!!! It was scary to quit and give up my licence. Nursing was something I could fall back on. But in all honesty, I would rather be saying "would you like fries with that?" than to ever go back to nursing.

I have been working hard at getting better. I have also had the gift of time. I am making time to explore my creativity and making it a priority. I am starting to discover what I enjoy creating. I am trying to figure out how I would like to express my artistic side, and make some money from it too. I have been crocheting, drawing, digitally drawing, making dolls, and painting. I am hoping that in 2008 I will find my creative calling(s). It is time.

Christmas in January!

The first of many, many purchases I have made on Etsy have started to arrive at my door.

This first pic is of dark brown/black fine merino roving from The Ranches Angoras. It is simply lovely and soft! It got here in great time. (In the pic, it looks quite brown, but it really is brown/black)



The next package I got is a necklace from Magnificent Obsession (aka) TheresaJ. It is Larvikite, silver and Labradorite. I love it!



I can hardly wait for the rest of my purchases to come. Squeeeeeee!

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I finished this baby blanket before Christmas for one of the women in my Friday group. Acrylic.

Anne's Year of the Bull

My holidays were lovely and peaceful. I hope yours were the same.

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2008 is going to be an interesting year. The past couple of years have not been so great for a number of reasons that I won't go into here. However, I feel I have turned a corner, and the future looks brighter than it ever did in the past. I have hope. I feel I may actually have a reason - a purpose for being here.

Right now, I declare 2008 Anne's Year of the Bull. I am a taurus, and this year my focus is on ME.





To figure out where I want to go, I feel like I need to know where I am and where I have been. In the next month or so, I am going to do a full self-assessment, where I look at every aspect of my life. What are my habits? What are my strengths and my weaknesses? What do I like and dislike? After I write all of that down, the next step is figuring out *why* I do/like/dislike/etc. certain things. What is truly important to me. I figure this will give me a lot of good info about myself. I also figure this assessment will take a while; a few weeks at least if I work on this a little each day.

After I gather all my info, then I will figure out where I want to go and how I am going to get there.

I am not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me, but blogging it makes me feel like I will require some amount of accountability. I will keep you updated with my progress.

I hope 2008 is a wonderful year for you, all my readers!