Here I am!

Warning: The following may be triggering or difficult to read. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Over the Christmas holidays I took life pretty easy. I didn't do much "work" (in relation to my PTSD). When January came, I rededicated myself to working a bit harder. (I know, my therapist is always saying: The slower you go the faster you go. Hmm, maybe I should listen to her once in a while...)

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Introspection

One of the things I did is to focus the majority of my energies internally. I have spent most of my life living for others. My nursing career was for my parents. Spare time was for my dogs, my family and my friends. It is not to say that I didn't do things for myself; of course I did. But all my emotional energy went outwards. Worry, concern, love, or simply doing things because so-and-so would enjoy it, was my life. I am an Eastern European Woman, and I learned that that was what women do. Put others before yourself. Always.

I got tired. I got burnt-out. But I kept going. Doing what I thought I should do. But now I truly realize that if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot help others. So I started talking less to my best friend and my cousin. I cut off most communications with my parents (they were also a trigger). It was not that I stopped caring, but that I needed to take care of myself.

I wanted to get into some kind of routine. I started listening to myself. What I needed, like food or rest. Telling my hubby what I needed from him (he is being a great cheerleader for me!).

Now, I am eating much more routinely. I eat actual meals, spaced apart. I am not grazing nearly as much. I give myself breaks. I am teaching myself to sew. I am doing somewhat better with the housework. I am napping when my body tells me to. I am resting when I need to. I am eating more fruit and veggies. I am trying to listen to my emotions and figuring out what I need to be comforted.

I know I have a long road ahead. Emotions, especially "negative" ones, overwhelm me easily. I still eat "too much" or "the wrong stuff" when it all gets too much. I get sucked into old thought patterns.

I am trying to learn how to be gentle with myself. Not so easy, for sure.

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Memory (Alert! Very triggering!)

Last week was really hard. A couple of years ago was when some new, difficult memories came to the surface. I started seeing some memories in a new context. Within the space of a few months, my life blew apart. My past was not what I thought it was. Flashbacks were horrible.

With getting into treatment, I have been able to better ride through flashbacks. Some of the "body flashbacks" are still quite disruptive and fatiguing, but I can cope with the visual flashbacks so they are not disruptive at all. I am able to say to myself: "This is a memory. I am in the present. Right now I am ok and safe". With any flashbacks, I am getting better at taking care of myself while getting through them.

Right now, the difficulties I am having are around my memory. Some memories are clear. But some of my memories are sketchy, indistinct, yet I have a sense of knowingness which surrounds them. But, I tell myself, what if I am wrong? What if my memories are incorrect? What if my understanding of them are wrong? I know that "so-and-so" would *never* let *anyone* hurt me (he told me so many times!), but my memories are of him hurting me. I can't be right! But what if I am right? I *must* be wrong! But I don't think I am wrong! And round and round we go...

It is so much easier to say that I am wrong, I am defective, it is all my fault. Because what would it truly mean if I were right? How will that redefine my past?

My brain is such a minefield that no matter which way I turn, I get hurt.

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Physical Health

So. My family doc has been watching some of my bloodwork, because my liver enzymes are elevated. I finally got in to see a liver specialist Thursday. After doing a thorough assessment, he said that I don't have any serious liver disease (yay!). However, I do have an "inflamed liver". I need to get more bloodwork done, I need to lose 40 lbs, and I will see him again in a year. Yay, I think? I guess it is not so bad.

It was kind of funny (not really). I called my parents to let them know what is going on. My mom asked me if my liver inflammation was due to my "weight". I said yes, and I got silence on the other end. Sigh.

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So that in a nut shell is what you've been missing. I hope to start posting a bit more regularly; even just light posts.