Rage

The following may be triggering for some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

This post is also pretty meandering and stream of consciousness. May not make sense to anyone but me.

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Lately, when I am alone, I have been having overwhelming feelings of rage. I cannot call my feelings simply anger; it is more wild and uncontrolled than that. It is difficult to understand or even to experience. There is connected to the rage a feeling of unfairness (is that a word? it is now!); a sense of "why aren't things better already". Although I have come a fair distance in the last couple of years, I get so disheartened at the distance yet to go.

I get filled with rage at all sorts of things. That life is not fair. That my hubby is not at home with me when he is at work (yeah, that makes no sense, I know). That I am lonely but I don't know how to make friends. That I have "no self control" therefore I am fat. That my life (and my existence) is shrinking in size.

When I am alone, I get so stuck in my head and I can't get out. Feelings are overwhelming and I have no idea how to live through them or express them. Everything starts to grate on my nerves: like the dogs whining or snow getting in my boots. I try to use the techniques I have learned in my therapy, but the techniques are still so new that I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn't in which situation.

Yet when my hubby comes home, I don't feel the rage. The rage just melts. I have something and someone else to focus on. I get out of my head and into the real world of human interaction.

I don't know where this train of thought and emotion will head in the future. For now this is a start.