Sunday, October 29, 2006

Being thoughtful

I've been trying to sort things out since my meeting with the nurse practitioner earlier this week. All of a sudden, I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD, and never realized that I needed a diagnosis of anything! I have needed to change my way of thinking about my life. It has been overwhelming and confusing and disorienting. I have been searching the internet for resources to help me with my disorder; I have found a bulletin board, but have not yet joined. I am still lurking there, waiting to see if it will be valuable to me or not. I have also been feeling like I need to try harder at "getting better" or building up my stamina. Unfortunately, when I do "try harder", I tend to get way over-tired, I dissociate or I start forgetting words or easy things like names of famous people. *Sigh* I am tired and overstimulated and exhausted and scared and I just don't know what to do anymore. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel like I am in a whirlwind of stress. Within all this, a tiny flicker of hope has started to burn inside me. Maybe I can be "normal" as I can be. The nurse seemed positive that I would be cured of my PTSD, something I can hardly believe. After years of feeling defective and broken, I can hardly hope to be whole.

I know this post hardly makes sense, but I just need to get my thoughts *out* and written down somewhere. I feel frustrated that I can't express myself like I want to.

I know I am at a turning point in my life. A big one. Maybe this post can be a guide post for me; when I look back I can see the path I have traveled.


Anonymous said...

Hi Anne.

I have Google Alerts set to send me links to all new pages containing the keywords Complex PTSD, and today it sent me a link to your site.

The best resource for learning about CPTSD and figuring out how to deal with it is the book "Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman. It changed my life. "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine is also very helpful. You can read the first chapter of it online here:

The most important thing I've learned in my efforts to find help for CPTSD is that it is more similar to DID and BPD than it is to regular PTSD, so going to see therapists who only have experience with regular PTSD is a waste of time. Also, if you keep track of what you eat, you'll be amazed at how often foods (rather than people, experiences, memories, etc.) are actually the triggers of mood changes.

The best piece of advice I've ever gotten from a therapist about CPTSD is: "Stop being mad at your physiology. It saved you from meltdown. Thank it, make friends with it, and nicely ask it questions instead of yelling at it, and you'll find it will become much more cooperative."

Hope this helps.

Good luck with your journey,

Donna said...

Hey Cuz,
I know it seems completely overwhelming now & that things will never get better (whatever better is) but please...hang on to that little glimmer of hope. That tiny little light will become a beacon over time, trust me on this. We've had different experiences, true but I'm here to tell you that you can get past this & become a whole person, and not just identify yourself with your trauma. That's the hard come through this as a whole person, secure in who you are & who YOU WANT to be. Sin & I will be here always, to hold the torch when it gets too heavy for you to carry on your own. Love you cuz XOXO

Anonymous said...

My Dear Friend,

You have always done what you thought "you should", or what you thought other people thought "you should". Or who other people thought you "should be".

Maybe, it is time to take that horrible word "should" and throw it out!!!!

Just think about that for a moment.....hmmmmmmmm, NO MORE SHOULD........NO MORE HAVE TO'S....

How about....oh I don't know... I WANT.... I WOULD LIKE....I NEED....

I know those 3 statements are scary because the all start with that nasty word I.

Anne, we all love you and are here for you. We will cheer you on every step of the way. We will shield you from the fire, and help you up when you stumble.

You are on a journey, and yes I promise there is another side to the forest.

And we can't wait to see the true you, the whole you, the real you when you get there!

Your husband, your cousin, and both me and my hubby are here.

just incase you missed that...

Nothing can scare us away.

We know how wonderful you are. I wish you could see yourself through our eyes. Then maybe, just maybe, you would understand why we love you so damn much.

I know everyone hates getting their own advise back in there face but... someone I know told me that I was worth fighting for, and now I'm telling you, KEEP FIGHTING, YOU ARE WORTH IT.

And who care what other people think you sho...whooops, threw that word out!!! (hehehee) Your a grown up.That means you can eat dessert first or play ball on the bus.

with love and friendship

Ms. S