Monday, October 30, 2006

The journey continues

Tonight is one of the few nights that is simply a perfect fall evening: slightly cool and fresh, a lightly clouded moon and the smell of fall leaves in the air. I am blogging from my front porch tonight. Scubaru and I are both out here; we both smoked some nice (and for me small and flavoured) cigars (I enjoy my little cigar, but I don't want it stinking up the house!). It is interesting to see who passes by at night: families, dog owners, teenagers. It is a lovely night to be out and about as soon it will be too cold to enjoy sitting outdoors for any length of time. Halloween is tomorrow, so I guess tonight is "Devil's Night"; haven't seen anything going on but it is probably too early still. We don't "do" Halloween at my house; we just get too few kids (like 6-8) and I end up eating all the candy anyway. Maybe Scubaru and I will go out then, or maybe just shut all the lights off so it looks like no one is home and watch tv in the dark (yeah, I know it's dorky, *shrug*)

Today I simply overdid it. I just did waaaaaaay too much and now I am more than exhausted. My brain stopped functioning a few hours ago; I'm glad I know how to cook dissociated as I have done that once or three times in my life. I made a "real meal" tonight: roast pork, mashed potatoes, mashed turnip and gravy. It certainly was quite delicious, but I don't know if the exhaustion is worth it.

My poor blog is morphing from an art studio to a counselling couch. Not what I wanted at all. I realized that the last few posts have had little to do with my artistic endeavours. Unfortunately, when my brain is acting weird, I just can't seem to get the energy up to do anything artistic. My physical and mental health have just been taking up so much of my energy so that I can make it through the day. I need somewhere to "dump" all the stuff floating around in my noodle, and you, dear visitor, get the chance to see it all. Lucky you. I am still hoping to do at least a little something artsy in the next few days. One can only hope.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Being thoughtful

I've been trying to sort things out since my meeting with the nurse practitioner earlier this week. All of a sudden, I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD, and never realized that I needed a diagnosis of anything! I have needed to change my way of thinking about my life. It has been overwhelming and confusing and disorienting. I have been searching the internet for resources to help me with my disorder; I have found a bulletin board, but have not yet joined. I am still lurking there, waiting to see if it will be valuable to me or not. I have also been feeling like I need to try harder at "getting better" or building up my stamina. Unfortunately, when I do "try harder", I tend to get way over-tired, I dissociate or I start forgetting words or easy things like names of famous people. *Sigh* I am tired and overstimulated and exhausted and scared and I just don't know what to do anymore. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel like I am in a whirlwind of stress. Within all this, a tiny flicker of hope has started to burn inside me. Maybe I can be "normal" as I can be. The nurse seemed positive that I would be cured of my PTSD, something I can hardly believe. After years of feeling defective and broken, I can hardly hope to be whole.

I know this post hardly makes sense, but I just need to get my thoughts *out* and written down somewhere. I feel frustrated that I can't express myself like I want to.

I know I am at a turning point in my life. A big one. Maybe this post can be a guide post for me; when I look back I can see the path I have traveled.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

A busy day

After laying low since my last post, the past few days have been pretty busy. Yesterday my family doc suggested that I would probably be going back to work in one month (YIKES!) My meds still aren't straightened out and he wants me to back to work??? That put me in a bit of a tailspin. I figured I better get my ass in gear, even though on the best of days I can't even get my ass out of neutral. My depression and anxiety are still quite active.

Anyway, today I had a meeting/interview with the nurse practitioner of something called the "Trauma Stress Service". This meeting was to see if I would qualify for their services. If I did, I would have a coordinated treatment strategy for my underlying PTSD. If not, I was on my own to find my own help; where, I don't know. I was so nervous that I would not qualify because I was worried about where I could find help, especially for my meds. The nurse was very nice and easy to talk to. She was reassuring and supportive. She had read my previous chart, and she had told me within the first ten minutes that I WOULD QUALIFY!!! I asked her to repeat that and write it down for me, just to be sure. I couldn't believe it! Big sigh of relief. The rest of the interview was her asking me about my symptoms, and she definitely diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I have another meeting with her in a couple of weeks to go through my story; I'm not really looking forward to it but it needs to be done. She is going to suggest that I go to group therapy (two kinds) as well as have individual counseling. This is the most I could hope for, as I could have been suggested for only one or two of these things. I also still have to meet the director of the program (psychiatrist), so I guess it will probably be a month before I actually get started. That is ok, though. The nurse also did not think it was reasonable to be back to work in a month (WHEW!). We'll see when I will be able to go back to work.

I am still running on adrenaline, as I now have a diagnosis for my problems AND some professionals to help me through them. Three cheers for me!

Three (really nine) cheers go to my hubby Scubaru, my cousin Donna and last, but never least, my bestest friend Ms. S for all their support during this extremely difficult time. They are my cheering section, my worry warts, my anger, and an unending pool of love for me. Thanks are never enough. Thank You Scott, Donna and Sindy, I couldn't survive without you!!! \ ( ^_^ ) /

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bandannas are done!

Yay! I finally finished the doggies' Halloween bandannas. Don't they look cute? They are both reversible, but I thought Shadow would look best with the purple showing and Roxy, the black. I also did one for the neighbour's dog, Tawny, also exactly the same.

Here are the books that I bought at the used book store. Look interesting, don't they? I hope to get much valuable use out of them!

Random day -- pic-less

Today was just a random kind of day. I had to go to the EI office to get some stuff straightened out, and I will be getting a cheque either Friday or Monday, but to get my last week of pay, I have to get, yes, *another* form filled out by my doc. So good news in general.

I also just wandered around downtown; something I haven't reeeeally done for a while. I went to the Art gallery and wandered around there. They had a theme of "Words" in one part of the gallery. Obviously, the artwork had words or something to do with words. Only a few caught my eye. One installation piece was branches and twigs of trees that looked like letters with a nest and a tape recorder with children saying letters. Kinda different. Another part of the gallery was called "Supernatural". Rather bizarre; some of the art was stuffed animals made to look like they were preserved in jars like specimens; another set of art was hand knitted garments for wild animals (i.e. a balaclava for a rhino, a turtleneck sweater for a giraffe, and wool socks for an elephant) Note that these were life size knitted objects. I think I would rather spend my time doing slightly different art, thank you very much!

I then went to my favourite used book store, City Lights, and found a couple books on sewing for a great price as well as a book with short stories. I figure with my decreased concentration level, I might be able to make it through a short story rather than a novel.

I also got started on the doggies' bandannas: they have been cut out, sewn together and turned right side out. I just didn't feel like ironing, so maybe tomorrow I will finish them up. I think they will be really cute. {{{Notice there are no pics of any of these things; I'll take pics tomorrow}}}

I am truly wiped out and ready for a quiet evening and a good night's sleep!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Just some stuff...

First, a random picture of the cutest girl-dog in the world: Roxy! She *so* doesn't like me taking her pic. Notice how she is avoiding looking in the camera!

I wasn't too sure if I wanted to post this, but I thought what the heck why not. It is not really Art (with a capital A) but more like a doodle drawing. I feel like I am experimenting with colour right now, and trying to not set limits on which colours. It is interesting that the top colours are more warm, while the bottom colours are more cool. I particularly like the silver glitter shrimp dancing near the bottom (just because they ARE silver glitter shrimp!) The big glitter spot on one of the central shapes (it looks more like snot right now) will dry red. I'm not sure the central shapes/colours necessarily work here in this composition, but as this piece was totally unplanned and done while talking with Ms. S on the phone, I'll let that slide for now. I do quite like how the colors of the more wavy areas around the circumference work together, both contrasting and complementing each other. I think I am heading in a direction I like with my doodles, and I wonder if some of these ideas will end up in some of my more formal artwork (maybe with a capital A). Who knows what tomorrow brings!

Friday, October 13, 2006

WIP is done and lots o' pics

So my "Fuck You" WIP is finally done! I added a bird flying away to symbolize that "I'm outta here!" So whaddya think? :D

As I mentioned yesterday, I bought some material at Walmart. The one on the left is black and grey cats and mice with tiny gold dots, and the one on the right is purple squares with orange spiders. I think they will make really cute bandannas for the dogs. I got 2 meters of each (at only $1.97/m!) just in case I need this type of material in, oh, say, May ; ).

I also have to add a pic of my new telescope my fabulous hubby got for me (us) for our anniversary. It is super easy to use and fun too!

The vile 'S' word and other adventures

So today has been a rather interesting day. After a marathon 3-way conference call with Ms. S and my cousin Donna last night, I was totally expecting to be exhausted, but, surprisingly, I wasn't! I decided to take advantage of my up mood and get some stuff done. Unfortunately, the weather was doing the vile 'S' word---SNOWING!!!! I had to dig out my coat and head out into the frigid weather. Uggh. Snow at the beginning of October is, just, well, wrong on so many levels. I went to the pharmacy then I headed on the bus to Walmart. On the way to Walmart, my stopped bus got hit from behind by a car. I got off the bus and the car had stuff dripping from it. Hmmmph, I guess the bus is not going anywhere for a while. I look, and I am not so far from Walmart. I walk, in the SNOW, to the mall. At Walmart, I found a cool yogurt maker for $5 (how cool is that???), got some material for some bandannas for the dogs for Halloween, and some other stuff too. Made it home in one piece, in the SNOW, tired, but content. A weird day, for sure! I hope tomorrow I can get the bandannas done.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving and stuff

Happy Thanksgiving! It is a beautiful fall day here. It is warm and sunny with a refreshing breeze. It was the perfect day for me to put away the lawn furniture and for hubby to finish up some yard work. It is sad to know that this is probably the last blog from our backyard 'til the spring. I am enjoying the weather while I can. I am sitting on an old lawn chair in the yard with my laptop on my knees with leaves falling on me; it couldn't be better.

Life has been pretty crappy here; that is why so few posts lately. I have been creative; mostly just drawing and colouring and experimenting. I am letting myself do things that normally my brain say "wait! no! you just can't do that!" I did on piece with like 45 different colours and glitter glue and stickers and wire and fabric. Thank god I am on (legal) drugs so I have an excuse! :D Staying at least a little creative seems to help, so I do something everyday.

Anyways...Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Autumn!