The dizzy speed of life is now making me sick

Ya know the previous post where I said I "was at peace"? Well that changed in a helluva hurry. Panic Panic Panic!!! And yup, it is making me feel like crap and now I can do even less. I am trying to take care of myself, but there is so much to do, I get so overwhelmed.

So how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. It's all I can do, except maybe drink. Does merlot go with elephant?

Whoa. Getting dizzy from the speed of life

So. (hmm... seem to be saying that a lot lately) Hubby is going to Grande Prairie to check his new job out. He leaves on Saturday and comes back early Tuesday morning. Flight booked, car rented, hotel booked; check, check, check. I've started on getting the house organized for moving and selling. Whoa.

With all the craziness going on, I feel strangely at peace and not panicky. I do as much as I can, and don't get upset if I can't do more. I really do feel this is *right* for us. It's all good!

Changes they are 'a comin'

So. Life has all of a sudden started moving faster than light speed. Hubby sent out ONE resume out to Alberta, and got a job offer! Yay that he has a job! Not-so-yay that he starts in 4 weeks and I stay here to get the house ready to sell. Oof. I will so miss my hubby! I am a little concerned about doing everything here by myself, while still going to therapy as long as I can. Oh yeah, forgot to say that I don't drive! So getting things like groceries or packing boxes are that much harder to get without hubby. Oh yeah, and I am adjusting my meds. And I am worried about getting a therapist out there. Never mind I still have all the day-to-day issues of my PTSD to deal with too. And my laptop with all my bookmarks and documents isn't working correctly. *Sigh*

Tonight, I am going to take it easy and not do anything but watch tv and read. Tomorrow, I start the attack!

Travellin' and Cookin'

So, I don't get to travel as much as I'd like. I cook pretty well (as I am sure hubby would attest to). Anthony Bourdain gets to travel *and* cook. I always like to watch "No Reservations" on Mondays. I get to "get out of the house" for an hour a week, with a cynical chef as my travel guide. Today is the start of the new season, and can hardly wait to see what Tony has been up to in his travels. At least I am able to travel vicariously through him!

What does it mean to be a woman?

Or feminine? These kind of thoughts have been on my mind a lot lately. I wouldn't exactly call myself "feminine"; I don't wear makeup or dresses. I wouldn't exactly call myself "masculine" though; I wear dangly earrings and have a pony tail.

So how do I define myself? I really don't know. In this society, it seems that "feminine" means makeup and high heels and flouncy outfits. Or to be a woman means being a mom or menstruating all the time (seems like it from the ads on tv for tampons). Sure, I get my period, but is that it?

I am so much more than "woman" or "feminine". I am an artist, a dreamer, a cook and a dog lover. I watch Formula 1 car racing, then watch Sewing with Nancy. I love computers and books. I garden and try to fix furniture.

So I am not too sure I will ever figure out how to be a "feminine woman". I am just me.

Been a long time gone...

I obviously haven't been keeping up with my blogging lately. There has been much going on in my personal life and I just haven't had the energy to write. For the past few days I suddenly had the urge to blog, and here I am!

My little shop on Etsy is growing very slowly. I haven't been working on it or promoting as much as I would like, but I hope shortly I will get back in the groove and get it going.

My hubby's job has been a big source of stress. Earlier this year, he was temporarily laid off for 9 weeks. He went back to work and we thought everything was going to be fine. However, a couple of weeks ago, he found out that he will be laid of permanently come September. Oof. Talk about major stress and worry! Because of the job situation here in Ontario, hubby is looking at maybe getting a job in Alberta. We've never been there, and the thought of moving right now truly terrifies me. I try and convince myself that if we have to move, it will be an "adventure". Sometimes that thinking actually works!

My medications for my PTSD are being changed around. I am now getting more symptoms of my PTSD being active, which is a bit unnerving. Hopefully things will get straightened out, and I will feel better soon.

So that is my life in a nutshell. Hopefully, dear reader, your life is going smoothly...

Whoopsie! Sorry!

Yikes! I haven't posted in, well, forever! All is good here. I have been pretty busy...starting my own business! I opened my own shop on Etsy:

Dancing Wisp Studio!!!!

As of right now, I am only offering my ACEOs, but I will soon be offering art dolls too. I am hoping that my business works...

A big thanks to Donna, my first customer. Thank you so much!!!!

And so it ends...

Well, today was our farewell party for my DBT group. I went to this therapy group every Friday for almost eight months. I learned about mindfulness, radical acceptance and the necessity of emotions. I also met some very cool women! The group leaders were awesome, and each group member was wonderful. Only three of nine women came to the party, so I feel like there is unfinished business.

So, to those who could not come: L., L., E., E., M., and P., I wish you all the best of luck in the future! You all have grown immeasurably in the last year, and I hope that you continue to become more balanced in your lives. Remember that you are not your PTSD!

And so, a new chapter in my life starts. I have some cool plans in the works for my future. "My future's so bright I gotta wear shades!"

Spring is sprung + Rick McGhie is on tour!

The weather has been so lovely here the past few days. Hubby and I got out into the backyard and raked up the grass and one of the side gardens. We also got our patio set and umbrella out. Spring is definitely here, even though I haven't seen a robin yet.

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Oh. My. God. Rick McGhie is going on tour! Rick McGhie is definitely one of my best memories of university. He covers a lot of folk singers like James Taylor, Don McLean, and Simon and Garfunkle. I probably went to listen to him at the Spoke (the on-campus bar) at least once a week. I know all the words to the song "American Pie" because of Rick. I am hoping hubby and I can go to see him in June. EEeeeee!

Happy April!

Most awesome combination of boxers and Monty Python EVER:


see more crazy cat pics

Just trucking along and scalloped potatoes

Life is pretty much status quo around here. Hubby is off work right now, and it is lovely to have him home.

On Sunday, I made a kind of "Easter" meal. It is funny because neither hubby nor I are Christian. However we were both brought up in Christian environments and I somehow feel like I still want to celebrate the holidays. I made a little ham and the most delicious scalloped potatoes and had broccoli too. I made some crock-pot rice pudding which was ok. I thought I would write down the recipe for the potatoes so I could remember it...

Cheesy Scalloped Potatoes

1/4 c butter
1 small onion, diced
1/4 c flour
2 c milk
1/2 - 1 t. salt
pepper to taste
8 oz shredded sharp cheddar (or so)
4-6 medium potatoes, slice 1/4 inch thick, unpeeled

Preheat over to 375F.
In a non-stick saute pan, melt butter over medium-low heat. Saute onion in butter until softened but not browned, about 3-4 min. Add flour to the pan, and saute gently for about 2-3 min. Add milk, salt and pepper to pan, and bring to a low simmer over medium high heat. Cook until thickened, about 3-4 min. Turn heat to very low and add cheese, allowing cheese to gently melt.

Layer half the potatoes in a greased, shallow rectangular casserole. Pour half the cheese sauce over the potatoes. Layer the remaining potatoes and pour remaining sauce over top. Cover potatoes and bake about 45 min. Remove cover and bake another 30 min, or until potatoes are soft and top is browned. Let rest for a few minutes before serving.

Weary

I am just so weary.

Weary of snow, and grey days, and mud.
Weary of my daily routine.
Weary of struggling every day and feeling like I am not progressing.
Weary of negative thinking.

Just plain weary.

I WANT TO GO ON VACATION!!!

But since I can't right now, I'll have to settle on a review of our past vacations. In no particular order....

This first set of pics is from our last real vacation. We love the Blue Ridge mountains, and have been a couple of times. This was when we went in 2006. The redbud were in bloom...





These next pics were from a trip to the Dominican Republic in 2001. We were there over September 11! Even though it seemed the rest of the world was in turmoil, we were in paradise...





These last pics are from Las Vegas in 2004; our tenth wedding anniversary. We stayed at the Luxor Hotel, ate wonderful food, and did not win a penny. But it was a great time!





I am so grateful that we have had the opportunity to go on such great holidays. Hopefully we will again!

Just a little creativity

I felt like doing some creative stuff yesterday. I was not up to doing a large piece, so I just did some little ones:

This is a bracelet that I added the beads to. My mil gave me the bracelet, and I wired up some coordinating beads and attached them to the links. Pretty!



The next is a little piece of art. It is bigger than an ACEO, but not by much. Watercolours, fabric, thread, beads.



I am planning to do some more stuff today, but unsure of just what yet.

Light and fluffy

While some parts of this continent were basking in 80F weather this weekend, we got hit with the same snowstorm that hit Ohio. (Yup, it is March in the arctic tundra.) We got at least 8" of snow, and the wind was blowing hard. Of course, we got invited out to one of hubby's coworker's house for dinner that night (it never fails, something always tries to get in the way of fun). It is a good thing our little car does great in the snow, and we got there with no problems. I was a little nervous, but I had met Vic and his wife Chris before, so once I got over the "zomg they will judge me!!!!" thoughts, I had a good evening. Chris made a lovely dinner, and I brought homemade cookies and a fine time was had by all.

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This is my second attempt at caramels.



Still not as soft as I would like, but they are getting better. I am going to wait a little bit before trying *again*.

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I was watching t.v., and a Volvo commercial came on. I liked the music, so of course I Googled it. Here is the video of the ad:




Melpo Mene is the artist and the link goes to his Myspace page. His music is kind of cool!

Rage

The following may be triggering for some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

This post is also pretty meandering and stream of consciousness. May not make sense to anyone but me.

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Lately, when I am alone, I have been having overwhelming feelings of rage. I cannot call my feelings simply anger; it is more wild and uncontrolled than that. It is difficult to understand or even to experience. There is connected to the rage a feeling of unfairness (is that a word? it is now!); a sense of "why aren't things better already". Although I have come a fair distance in the last couple of years, I get so disheartened at the distance yet to go.

I get filled with rage at all sorts of things. That life is not fair. That my hubby is not at home with me when he is at work (yeah, that makes no sense, I know). That I am lonely but I don't know how to make friends. That I have "no self control" therefore I am fat. That my life (and my existence) is shrinking in size.

When I am alone, I get so stuck in my head and I can't get out. Feelings are overwhelming and I have no idea how to live through them or express them. Everything starts to grate on my nerves: like the dogs whining or snow getting in my boots. I try to use the techniques I have learned in my therapy, but the techniques are still so new that I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn't in which situation.

Yet when my hubby comes home, I don't feel the rage. The rage just melts. I have something and someone else to focus on. I get out of my head and into the real world of human interaction.

I don't know where this train of thought and emotion will head in the future. For now this is a start.

More pictures of the Mullet Purse

Ok, batteries for the camera are all juiced up, so here we go...

This first pic is of the back of the purse. One of my zippered pockets...Zipper is 6".




First view of the colourful lining...



The lining in all its glory! It has a very light silver outline to the green flowers.



A view of the interior pocket; 7" long.



I must say that I am pretty proud of this purse. It makes me smile!

Anne, the Fabric Wrangler (or the story of the Mullet Purse)

Besides working very hard on the inside, I have been trying to do some new things in my outer life. For example, I wanted to make chewy caramels from scratch. So, I did what I always do: I head over to Recipezaar. I found some recipes, and most people commented that their caramels were too soft. I wanted chewy, not gooey, caramels, so I found a recipe that had a higher end-cooking temperature. So I made them, slowly cooking simple ingredients on the stove. However, I ended up not making caramels, but toffee. So-hard-you-have-to-suck-on-them-to-make-them-soft toffee. Delicious, but not what I was aiming for. Will have to try again another day.

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I also have been working on making myself another purse. One with *zippered pockets* and a flap to cover the opening and enough body to keep its shape. I have a bunch of fabric, and found in my stash some purple wool and a contrasting yet complimentary cotton fabric for the lining. I also had zippers too, so I was all set to go.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been working on it here and there for a few minutes. I looked up a tutorial for zippered pockets. Ironed in interfacing. Got the zippered pockets done. By Monday, I had decided that I just wanted to finish it already. So, in then past couple of days, I worked hard and got it done.


The finished purse...

Just call me the "Fabric Wrangler" because , jeez, sometimes this project was a pain. Thick fabric, lots of layers, me being picky because I didn't not want any of the lining to show, etc. But I made the fabric submit to my will (mostly)!


Front detail...


Now, the reason I call this the "Mullet Purse" is this. You know how the description of a mullet is "business in the front and party in the back!"? Well, this purse is business on the outside and a party on the inside! I love the lining fabric! It is bright and colourful. It is like my own little secret that this serious purse has a fun interior. Unfortunately, my batteries in the camera died before I could take a pic of the zippered pockets and the lining. I guess those will have to wait until tomorrow! It is pretty huge for a purse; it can hold 5 large paperbacks and still have room for my wallet, iPod, phone, lunch and whatever else I may ever need. The strap is long enough to go over my shoulder, and is also tapered.

Is it perfect? No. Is it GoodEnough (tm)? Absolutely! The zippers work, and I think it looks pretty good. Besides, it makes ME happy, and that is all that is really important, right?

Here I am!

Warning: The following may be triggering or difficult to read. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Over the Christmas holidays I took life pretty easy. I didn't do much "work" (in relation to my PTSD). When January came, I rededicated myself to working a bit harder. (I know, my therapist is always saying: The slower you go the faster you go. Hmm, maybe I should listen to her once in a while...)

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Introspection

One of the things I did is to focus the majority of my energies internally. I have spent most of my life living for others. My nursing career was for my parents. Spare time was for my dogs, my family and my friends. It is not to say that I didn't do things for myself; of course I did. But all my emotional energy went outwards. Worry, concern, love, or simply doing things because so-and-so would enjoy it, was my life. I am an Eastern European Woman, and I learned that that was what women do. Put others before yourself. Always.

I got tired. I got burnt-out. But I kept going. Doing what I thought I should do. But now I truly realize that if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot help others. So I started talking less to my best friend and my cousin. I cut off most communications with my parents (they were also a trigger). It was not that I stopped caring, but that I needed to take care of myself.

I wanted to get into some kind of routine. I started listening to myself. What I needed, like food or rest. Telling my hubby what I needed from him (he is being a great cheerleader for me!).

Now, I am eating much more routinely. I eat actual meals, spaced apart. I am not grazing nearly as much. I give myself breaks. I am teaching myself to sew. I am doing somewhat better with the housework. I am napping when my body tells me to. I am resting when I need to. I am eating more fruit and veggies. I am trying to listen to my emotions and figuring out what I need to be comforted.

I know I have a long road ahead. Emotions, especially "negative" ones, overwhelm me easily. I still eat "too much" or "the wrong stuff" when it all gets too much. I get sucked into old thought patterns.

I am trying to learn how to be gentle with myself. Not so easy, for sure.

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Memory (Alert! Very triggering!)

Last week was really hard. A couple of years ago was when some new, difficult memories came to the surface. I started seeing some memories in a new context. Within the space of a few months, my life blew apart. My past was not what I thought it was. Flashbacks were horrible.

With getting into treatment, I have been able to better ride through flashbacks. Some of the "body flashbacks" are still quite disruptive and fatiguing, but I can cope with the visual flashbacks so they are not disruptive at all. I am able to say to myself: "This is a memory. I am in the present. Right now I am ok and safe". With any flashbacks, I am getting better at taking care of myself while getting through them.

Right now, the difficulties I am having are around my memory. Some memories are clear. But some of my memories are sketchy, indistinct, yet I have a sense of knowingness which surrounds them. But, I tell myself, what if I am wrong? What if my memories are incorrect? What if my understanding of them are wrong? I know that "so-and-so" would *never* let *anyone* hurt me (he told me so many times!), but my memories are of him hurting me. I can't be right! But what if I am right? I *must* be wrong! But I don't think I am wrong! And round and round we go...

It is so much easier to say that I am wrong, I am defective, it is all my fault. Because what would it truly mean if I were right? How will that redefine my past?

My brain is such a minefield that no matter which way I turn, I get hurt.

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Physical Health

So. My family doc has been watching some of my bloodwork, because my liver enzymes are elevated. I finally got in to see a liver specialist Thursday. After doing a thorough assessment, he said that I don't have any serious liver disease (yay!). However, I do have an "inflamed liver". I need to get more bloodwork done, I need to lose 40 lbs, and I will see him again in a year. Yay, I think? I guess it is not so bad.

It was kind of funny (not really). I called my parents to let them know what is going on. My mom asked me if my liver inflammation was due to my "weight". I said yes, and I got silence on the other end. Sigh.

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So that in a nut shell is what you've been missing. I hope to start posting a bit more regularly; even just light posts.

Fat is a statement

Fat is a statement. A good essay about fat that explains things so much better than I could.