The journey continues

Tonight is one of the few nights that is simply a perfect fall evening: slightly cool and fresh, a lightly clouded moon and the smell of fall leaves in the air. I am blogging from my front porch tonight. Scubaru and I are both out here; we both smoked some nice (and for me small and flavoured) cigars (I enjoy my little cigar, but I don't want it stinking up the house!). It is interesting to see who passes by at night: families, dog owners, teenagers. It is a lovely night to be out and about as soon it will be too cold to enjoy sitting outdoors for any length of time. Halloween is tomorrow, so I guess tonight is "Devil's Night"; haven't seen anything going on but it is probably too early still. We don't "do" Halloween at my house; we just get too few kids (like 6-8) and I end up eating all the candy anyway. Maybe Scubaru and I will go out then, or maybe just shut all the lights off so it looks like no one is home and watch tv in the dark (yeah, I know it's dorky, *shrug*)

Today I simply overdid it. I just did waaaaaaay too much and now I am more than exhausted. My brain stopped functioning a few hours ago; I'm glad I know how to cook dissociated as I have done that once or three times in my life. I made a "real meal" tonight: roast pork, mashed potatoes, mashed turnip and gravy. It certainly was quite delicious, but I don't know if the exhaustion is worth it.

My poor blog is morphing from an art studio to a counselling couch. Not what I wanted at all. I realized that the last few posts have had little to do with my artistic endeavours. Unfortunately, when my brain is acting weird, I just can't seem to get the energy up to do anything artistic. My physical and mental health have just been taking up so much of my energy so that I can make it through the day. I need somewhere to "dump" all the stuff floating around in my noodle, and you, dear visitor, get the chance to see it all. Lucky you. I am still hoping to do at least a little something artsy in the next few days. One can only hope.

Being thoughtful

I've been trying to sort things out since my meeting with the nurse practitioner earlier this week. All of a sudden, I have a diagnosis of Complex PTSD, and never realized that I needed a diagnosis of anything! I have needed to change my way of thinking about my life. It has been overwhelming and confusing and disorienting. I have been searching the internet for resources to help me with my disorder; I have found a bulletin board, but have not yet joined. I am still lurking there, waiting to see if it will be valuable to me or not. I have also been feeling like I need to try harder at "getting better" or building up my stamina. Unfortunately, when I do "try harder", I tend to get way over-tired, I dissociate or I start forgetting words or easy things like names of famous people. *Sigh* I am tired and overstimulated and exhausted and scared and I just don't know what to do anymore. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel like I am in a whirlwind of stress. Within all this, a tiny flicker of hope has started to burn inside me. Maybe I can be "normal" as I can be. The nurse seemed positive that I would be cured of my PTSD, something I can hardly believe. After years of feeling defective and broken, I can hardly hope to be whole.

I know this post hardly makes sense, but I just need to get my thoughts *out* and written down somewhere. I feel frustrated that I can't express myself like I want to.

I know I am at a turning point in my life. A big one. Maybe this post can be a guide post for me; when I look back I can see the path I have traveled.

A busy day

After laying low since my last post, the past few days have been pretty busy. Yesterday my family doc suggested that I would probably be going back to work in one month (YIKES!) My meds still aren't straightened out and he wants me to back to work??? That put me in a bit of a tailspin. I figured I better get my ass in gear, even though on the best of days I can't even get my ass out of neutral. My depression and anxiety are still quite active.

Anyway, today I had a meeting/interview with the nurse practitioner of something called the "Trauma Stress Service". This meeting was to see if I would qualify for their services. If I did, I would have a coordinated treatment strategy for my underlying PTSD. If not, I was on my own to find my own help; where, I don't know. I was so nervous that I would not qualify because I was worried about where I could find help, especially for my meds. The nurse was very nice and easy to talk to. She was reassuring and supportive. She had read my previous chart, and she had told me within the first ten minutes that I WOULD QUALIFY!!! I asked her to repeat that and write it down for me, just to be sure. I couldn't believe it! Big sigh of relief. The rest of the interview was her asking me about my symptoms, and she definitely diagnosed me with Complex PTSD. I have another meeting with her in a couple of weeks to go through my story; I'm not really looking forward to it but it needs to be done. She is going to suggest that I go to group therapy (two kinds) as well as have individual counseling. This is the most I could hope for, as I could have been suggested for only one or two of these things. I also still have to meet the director of the program (psychiatrist), so I guess it will probably be a month before I actually get started. That is ok, though. The nurse also did not think it was reasonable to be back to work in a month (WHEW!). We'll see when I will be able to go back to work.

I am still running on adrenaline, as I now have a diagnosis for my problems AND some professionals to help me through them. Three cheers for me!

Three (really nine) cheers go to my hubby Scubaru, my cousin Donna and last, but never least, my bestest friend Ms. S for all their support during this extremely difficult time. They are my cheering section, my worry warts, my anger, and an unending pool of love for me. Thanks are never enough. Thank You Scott, Donna and Sindy, I couldn't survive without you!!! \ ( ^_^ ) /

Bandannas are done!

Yay! I finally finished the doggies' Halloween bandannas. Don't they look cute? They are both reversible, but I thought Shadow would look best with the purple showing and Roxy, the black. I also did one for the neighbour's dog, Tawny, also exactly the same.





































Here are the books that I bought at the used book store. Look interesting, don't they? I hope to get much valuable use out of them!

Random day -- pic-less

Today was just a random kind of day. I had to go to the EI office to get some stuff straightened out, and I will be getting a cheque either Friday or Monday, but to get my last week of pay, I have to get, yes, *another* form filled out by my doc. So good news in general.

I also just wandered around downtown; something I haven't reeeeally done for a while. I went to the Art gallery and wandered around there. They had a theme of "Words" in one part of the gallery. Obviously, the artwork had words or something to do with words. Only a few caught my eye. One installation piece was branches and twigs of trees that looked like letters with a nest and a tape recorder with children saying letters. Kinda different. Another part of the gallery was called "Supernatural". Rather bizarre; some of the art was stuffed animals made to look like they were preserved in jars like specimens; another set of art was hand knitted garments for wild animals (i.e. a balaclava for a rhino, a turtleneck sweater for a giraffe, and wool socks for an elephant) Note that these were life size knitted objects. I think I would rather spend my time doing slightly different art, thank you very much!

I then went to my favourite used book store, City Lights, and found a couple books on sewing for a great price as well as a book with short stories. I figure with my decreased concentration level, I might be able to make it through a short story rather than a novel.

I also got started on the doggies' bandannas: they have been cut out, sewn together and turned right side out. I just didn't feel like ironing, so maybe tomorrow I will finish them up. I think they will be really cute. {{{Notice there are no pics of any of these things; I'll take pics tomorrow}}}

I am truly wiped out and ready for a quiet evening and a good night's sleep!

Just some stuff...

First, a random picture of the cutest girl-dog in the world: Roxy! She *so* doesn't like me taking her pic. Notice how she is avoiding looking in the camera!

















I wasn't too sure if I wanted to post this, but I thought what the heck why not. It is not really Art (with a capital A) but more like a doodle drawing. I feel like I am experimenting with colour right now, and trying to not set limits on which colours. It is interesting that the top colours are more warm, while the bottom colours are more cool. I particularly like the silver glitter shrimp dancing near the bottom (just because they ARE silver glitter shrimp!) The big glitter spot on one of the central shapes (it looks more like snot right now) will dry red. I'm not sure the central shapes/colours necessarily work here in this composition, but as this piece was totally unplanned and done while talking with Ms. S on the phone, I'll let that slide for now. I do quite like how the colors of the more wavy areas around the circumference work together, both contrasting and complementing each other. I think I am heading in a direction I like with my doodles, and I wonder if some of these ideas will end up in some of my more formal artwork (maybe with a capital A). Who knows what tomorrow brings!

WIP is done and lots o' pics

So my "Fuck You" WIP is finally done! I added a bird flying away to symbolize that "I'm outta here!" So whaddya think? :D

























As I mentioned yesterday, I bought some material at Walmart. The one on the left is black and grey cats and mice with tiny gold dots, and the one on the right is purple squares with orange spiders. I think they will make really cute bandannas for the dogs. I got 2 meters of each (at only $1.97/m!) just in case I need this type of material in, oh, say, May ; ).















I also have to add a pic of my new telescope my fabulous hubby got for me (us) for our anniversary. It is super easy to use and fun too!

The vile 'S' word and other adventures

So today has been a rather interesting day. After a marathon 3-way conference call with Ms. S and my cousin Donna last night, I was totally expecting to be exhausted, but, surprisingly, I wasn't! I decided to take advantage of my up mood and get some stuff done. Unfortunately, the weather was doing the vile 'S' word---SNOWING!!!! I had to dig out my coat and head out into the frigid weather. Uggh. Snow at the beginning of October is, just, well, wrong on so many levels. I went to the pharmacy then I headed on the bus to Walmart. On the way to Walmart, my stopped bus got hit from behind by a car. I got off the bus and the car had stuff dripping from it. Hmmmph, I guess the bus is not going anywhere for a while. I look, and I am not so far from Walmart. I walk, in the SNOW, to the mall. At Walmart, I found a cool yogurt maker for $5 (how cool is that???), got some material for some bandannas for the dogs for Halloween, and some other stuff too. Made it home in one piece, in the SNOW, tired, but content. A weird day, for sure! I hope tomorrow I can get the bandannas done.

Happy Thanksgiving and stuff

Happy Thanksgiving! It is a beautiful fall day here. It is warm and sunny with a refreshing breeze. It was the perfect day for me to put away the lawn furniture and for hubby to finish up some yard work. It is sad to know that this is probably the last blog from our backyard 'til the spring. I am enjoying the weather while I can. I am sitting on an old lawn chair in the yard with my laptop on my knees with leaves falling on me; it couldn't be better.

Life has been pretty crappy here; that is why so few posts lately. I have been creative; mostly just drawing and colouring and experimenting. I am letting myself do things that normally my brain say "wait! no! you just can't do that!" I did on piece with like 45 different colours and glitter glue and stickers and wire and fabric. Thank god I am on (legal) drugs so I have an excuse! :D Staying at least a little creative seems to help, so I do something everyday.

Anyways...Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Autumn!

Sunflowers

So we bought some sunflowers at the grocery store on the weekend. One of them started to wilt, so I cut the stem and put it in a smaller vase on my windowsill. The others are in a larger vase in our living room. The sunflower on the windowsill was catching the sunlight so beautifully, I had to take some pics. The sunflower contrasting with our old windowsill also looked interesting. Here are a few pics:










































































I quite like these pics, and I have a few more, so maybe I will print some out and do something creative with them. Maybe do that transfer I've been wanting to try?

Bunny

'Nuff said!

My life goes on, and on

I just feel down. I sooo want to be creative, but the juices just ain't a-flowin'. My 12th anniversary is coming up and I don't know what to do or get for my hubby. I just don't seem to have much energy to do anything. The most I have done all week was on Friday; I actually cooked a meal! We had roasted pork tenderloin, roasted potatoes and carrots and an orange choc. chip cake for dessert. I was out for the count after that, but dinner was soooo goooood. It was nice to have a home cooked meal that tasted good, ya know? I'm tired of been tired, I am tired of being anxious and I am tired of twitching (although that is getting better). I just want to feel myself; normal I guess. I seem to also have a lot of muscle pain with one of the meds, so that doesn't help either. I feel I am spinning my wheels, and I just don't have the energy to spin them anymore. I think I will try and rest more this week and see if that helps. I do try and do *something* creative every day, even if it is just a little doodle or something. I want to feel like I am getting somewhere. Ah well, as Scarlett says: "Tomorrow is another day". I guess I just have to try again tomorrow.

Yay! New stuff! Interactive too!

I got my camera working again after a small technical glitch. Yay! I have also been playing with my art supplies; mostly my coloured pencils.

This first piece is fairly large; probably 9"X12". (OK, this is big for me) It flowed very easily; there was absolutely no planning involved. I just started colouring. I feel it captured a very whimsical feeling, which I always like. I call this "Wit and Whimsy". Recently, my cousin Donna and I had been chatting about whimsy, and this also was inspired by that conversation.

I then wanted to try the same style of artwork, but in an ATC size. Please note the pic should be rotated 90 degrees counterclockwise, so just tilt your head to the right and you will see it how I meant it to be seen (ah ha! the interactive part!) Notice the judicial use of gold glitter glue to accentuate the small knobs. I just like it : ).

I hope you like them too. I find then soothing and relaxing and kind of happy. Enjoy!

It's been a while...

So. Ya. Umm. Well. I know; it's been a few days since I have blogged. I will now hang my head down in shame. There. That's done.

The weather continues to be dreary and rainy here. I just haven't had much energy to do much of anything. The one day I did have some energy, I used it to clean up the house some. Some things just have to get done. I had also noticed that I hadn't been journaling in my paper journal either. Uh oh. Not a good sign when Anne doesn't want to do anything. I guess my depression is coming back. *Sigh* Anxiety is a little better, I guess. Boy, don't I sound enthusiastic!

Now sounds as good a time as any to show some of my previous art work.
These are a couple of ATCs that I did for an "ATC-a-long" on a crafting website. They both deal with the subject of "chance". The one on the left has all different quotes dealing with the word chance, and the second one I randomly let chance decide what I was going to do. Kinda neat if I do say so myself. I really enjoy working in the small format of an ATC; it is not so forbidding as a huge canvas/piece of paper and it doesn't take loads of concentration, just a bit.

I hope to post some newer art soon; wish me luck!

A Glittery Day

So, today has been a better day. Yesterday, FINALLY, I got some money in from EI. Now, I still have more paperwork for the doc to fill out, so hopefully I will get a few more weeks of money. It is just nice to be able to pay my bills and have a little left over for me. So what did I do? Buy supplies of course! But these are special; they're cool! I got the 64 pack of crayons (with the crayon sharpener), and I got glitter glue. Just opening the box of crayons took me right back to childhood; the smell is just so distinctive. So today, I played!

This is "my art" that I created with my cool crayons and glitter glue. I picked out the colours I thought were pretty, made some simple shapes, and put three (!) kinds of glue on as accents: silver, fuschia and iridescent (which is a bit hard to see). I had a lot of fun; I had a smile on my face the whole time. Yay me!



This pic shows my WIP and the progress I have made. We're in the home stretch, that's for sure. What will I do with it when I'm done? Who knows, but it will have been a good exercise in patience. It is fun and fulfilling too.






And just as a total aside, here is my dinner. A bologne, cream cheese and mustard sandwich on sunflower/flax bread and golden kiwis (X2). Yum! Doesn't it make ya hungry?

When the Muse speaks, you take dictation

Very rarely, a poetic Muse shouts in my ear. Now, I am NOT a poet. I couldn't even give any kind of critique of a poem. The last time I studied poety was in high school, a million years ago. I couldn't even tell a good poem from a bad poem. But sometime, when that Muse is speaking to you, you sigh, you grab a pen and some paper and you take dictation. And here we go...

------------------------

Life Situation

The reeds surround me.

I have been
Pushed
To the reeds
By the
Unexpected,
Rushing,
Dam-bursting
Overflow
Of the River of Life.

I am lost
Here
In the reeds;
They have disoriented me
From the way
Back to the River.

Tall plumes cover
The motion of the Sun
And the stalks are
A maze of prison bars.

I wade
Unceasingly;
Neither
Crossing over to dry Land
Nor
Finding my way back
To the River's flow.

I cannot
Make the green reeds sing;
No soft melody
To soothe me.

Does anyone hear me
Or
Do the reeds shush my voice?
Can anyone see me
Or
Do the reeds disguise me?

Am I lost forever?

The Reeds
Are now
Home.

----------------------------

So whaddya think? Good? Awful?
Which ever it is, I acknowledege/blame the Muse : )

Coloured circles

Well, things continue to be very quiet here at the art studio. I have been continuing to play with my coloured pencils (and when I mean play, I mean doing stuff as simple as colouring circles. No. Really. Circles+colour=my art). I've been feeling kinda spacy and down lately, so the creative juices just ain't flowin'. I am still doing at least something art-related everyday; even if it is just colouring circles. I just don't have the energy and am so sleepy that actually visualizing a completed piece in my head is hard work. So, when I feel better I will do more. But right now, less is more and I'm going to go with that.

No-Labour Labour Day + WIP Update

Ah Labour Day. The unofficial last long weekend of summer. I certainly have had a no-Labour Labour Day for sure. Lazy more like it. Snoozing, relaxing. Not even barbecuing! Just eating whatever is around, like leftover fried chicken, muffins, cupcakes etc.
In fact, I am so lazy, I haven't even taken a pic of the work I have done on my "Flowery Adult Language" project. So you'll have to trust me when I say that the C, K, and Y are done. Only two more letters and then it is finished.
So "Happy Labour Day" to you and yours. Relax and enjoy!

Mmm, tea!

What a lovely fall day. Bright sun, big fluffy white (and, ok, grey too) clouds, a refreshing breeze. It is nice to get back out in the backyard to blog; I know these fine days will end soon and I want to enjoy them while I can.
As has become our tradition on the weekend (usually Sundays), Scubaru and I went out for tea at The Tea Haus. It is so nice and relaxing there. It is a nice little store in our local market; they expanded in the last year to include a few chairs and tea service. They do not have take out tea, so you must sit and drink their tea there. They have about 200 different kinds of tea: black, green, white, oolong, rooibos, mate, honeybush, herbal, and varieties of the above kind which are flavoured. Lots of choice, to say the least. Each time we go, we each usually try a different tea. My hubby is keeping a database on the computer: the tea, who tried it and our comments. I'm sure it will be fun to look back and see all the types we have tried! It is an hour or so well enjoyed and relaxing.
I am much more a tea drinker than a coffee drinker. I have to drink my coffee "double, double" (in TimHorton-ese that is 2 cream, 2 sugar) just to make it enjoyable. But tea, ah! There is a drink to soothe my stress. Sometimes, when tea is brewed just right with a little milk and sugar, it has an "aaaaahhhh" factor. I literally go "aaaaahhhhh" and my shoulders relax and for an instant all is good and right in the world. In my family when I grew up, herbal tea was the thing, but even that was rare. We seemed to drink mostly diet pop (usually diet coke), and kool-aid and homemade lemonade in the summer. But it seems that recently, I simply have been wanting and enjoying tea of all kinds more and more. Here at home, we have: Tetley regular, Tetley decaf, earl gray, earl grey decaf, earl grey vanilla, a flavoured rooibos, and a flavoured sri lankan (all in bags). The nice lady at The Tea Haus, Beata, gave us two samples of tea to try: russian earl grey (with other flavours like lemongrass) and chocolate truffle rooibos (!). I have two tea balls, so we should be good. I can hardly wait to try them!
All in all, today was not bad. I mean, how bad can it be when you drink an organic Darjeeling!

A Rainy Saturday

Today is one of those rainy Saturdays that comes along every once in a while. You know the kind: drizzly, kind of cool, dark and dreary. It is the kind of day where naps are the priority and the drink of the day is a warm, cozy cup of tea. Everyone is just resting; the pups have been sleeping most of the day, as well as the humans. It seems that my creative juices are also resting; I played with my new coloured pencils a bit this morning, but I haven't done anything else more creative than making tuna sandwiches for dinner. I think my creative part needs to rest and rejuvenate too; I have been creating at least something every day for the last 3 weeks. I think I just need a little break. I have been playing a video game (FFXI for those interested) all day. It is repetitive (the way I play it anyway) and a bit routine, but it is nice to know that if I do "x", I know "y" will happen, or rarely "z". I know what is expected and things play out the way they should (unless I do something I know I shouldn't and then "die"). It seems like in my real life, that is just not the case. I am doing "x+y+z" and expecting "q" to happen, but it seems like only "k" is happening. I guess what I am trying to say (kind of poorly) is that in real life I am trying my best to get better by doing everything I should, and I am just not getting the results. It is a bummer for sure. Now I know, "Life" rarely happens the way you expect it to, but I just want a bit of a break and feel better already! I keep hoping that maybe tomorrow will be better, but sometime it is just hard to hope. Oh well, for right now there is not much else I can do but go with the flow, drink my tea, and go kill some Goblins to make Vana'diel safe again.